It's been a long time since I last blogged. Anyway, it's a post about my life recently.
It's already end of July, August is coming. I can't believe that trial will be coming in one month time and around 3 months to SPM. I'm not ready yet, I really not.
I feel like there's so many things for me to study and I really don't know where should I start from. I think I slacked too much during my form 4's school days. I've already started studying but just, there's still a lot left. Will I get to study all before trial? Can I squeezed in everything to my brain in this 3 months? I don't know.
I'm afraid of getting graduated, I'm afraid of leaving my friends, I'm afraid of choosing what I want to study, what if I choose it wrong? Do I have a chance to turn back time and choose again ?
moments that I cherish the most
I don't know why I'm afraid. Afraid of graduating most probably because of friends and the familiar school environment. I have so much memories for these five years in this school. I'm afraid that one day, we'll not be able to be how we used to be like now. Every morning come into the class and sit in our own places and having nice talks and funny jokes everyday.
I knew that we will all be separated after we graduated, we will all be separated to pursue our own dreams. It's all gonna happens for sure. There was a day I was sitting alone in the corner and looked at my class, looked at my classmates, by looking at their faces, I know what courses they are going to take, which colleges they are going to, everyone has their own places to go. I'm sad because we really can't be together like now, always gather together at class, arguing with the teacher, playing dirty jokes, it'll all be the good memories that left behind.
And when we growing up, I don't know will we meet again as some of us might migrated to other countries, busy with our works, meeting with new people and many more. But before that, I'll have a say that I spent my best two years of high school life with them.
the four faggots
I'm afraid of growing up too.10 years before, I was 7. I still remember that when I was 7, I was thinking how will my life be after 10 years. But that time, the things that I imagined how my life is going to be is totally different compared to now. Time passes so fast. I don't know whether this is right or not but just, from 7 to 17, you'll turn yourself from a child to a teenager, from 17 to 27, you'll turn yourself from a teen to an adult. For me, the first 30 years of life is important because after 30, you'll probably getting old and now, I've already went past half of it.
I always think that what if I do nothing and I can't earn myself a living? Will I be successful in the future? Am I too late to do this? When will I get married with the person I love? When will I give birth to my children as I don't want to have a big gap with them but if I gave birth at 28, I only got 7 years of being young and free. Will I wasting my youth for not doing this? I don't know, it's fucking complicated and I'm afraid to think of it.
I'm afraid of seeing my parents, my grandparents, my cousins getting old one by one. I'm afraid of one day, they might leave the world. I love them very much, I really don't know whether will I bear that pain as until now, I have not experienced any of it before. Whenever I saw how someone cries because of this issue, I always thought that one day, I'll experience the same pain, experience the same pain of losing someone you love.
I don't know why but just being17 is challenging, you have to make your own decisions for your future, you are no longer a teen, you need to be responsible for your own actions. It's like you are already ended your first chapter of life that you don't need to think much as you just need to follow the way that's already been set up for you, but for the second chapter, you'll need to write your own. No one will helps you to create your own walk path of life but yourself.
oh shit. why am I thinking so much,
